find your peace (falling on your knees)
by thewasabipea
Summary: This scene looks awfully familiar to Murphy, except the last time the grounder had been holding Raven back, and it had been him she'd wanted to hurt.


**title** find your peace (falling on your knees)  
 **fandom** the 100  
 **characters/pairings** raven reyes, john murphy  
 **rating** k+, but in keeping with the tone and content of the show  
 **author's note** set post-season 4, so spoilers for everything. forgive me if murphy is a little softer around the edges, but that hug broke me. title from kesha's "praying".  
 **summary** this looks awfully familiar to murphy, except the last time the grounder had been holding raven back, and it had been him she'd wanted to hurt

* * *

They hear her long before they see her.

" _You killed Gina!"_

Her voice echoes off the metal hull of the Ark, bouncing around until he feels it reverberating in his bones. His feet are pounding against the grates that make up the floor, but he can't hear that. All he can hear is Raven, screaming like her world is ending.

When he finally skids around the corner, he hears Emori a step behind him gasp at the sight.

Bellamy's got Raven locked tight in his arms, holding her back with all he's got as she writhes and fights against him. He's got a bump on his temple that speaks to Raven's flying fists, and is struggling to keep the girl away from Echo, who's been pushed into a corner on the viewing deck. Echo herself has a thin cut dripping blood down her eyebrow and has dropped into a defensive stance.

It looks awfully familiar to Murphy, except last time the grounder had been holding Raven back, and it had been him she'd wanted to hurt.

Without thinking, he shouts out:

"Ai giv ai op!"

Raven's entire body jerks, stunned into stillness. She turns her head slowly to look back at him, and he shouldn't be surprised to see the tears running down her face, but he is, somehow. Her eyes are huge, reflecting the starlight from the nearby window, and for a moment he can't move.

Then it breaks, and he's striding forward, serving as a distraction for Bellamy to tug Echo away, to safety. For a second he's furious at Blake for leaving him to deal with Raven alone before he realizes that's not it at all.

Bellamy is trusting him to take care of Raven. To help her.

The thought makes his heart thump wildly in his chest, this responsibility that he never asked for, never deserved, and he wants to take Emori, grip her hand tight and not think about the fact that there's no leaving the Ark, not for another five years.

But he can't break eye contact with Raven, can't turn around and leave her now. No doubt Emori's already headed back to their room, having faded into the background as soon as she could.

He's on his own.

Murphy reaches his hands out, sliding them over Raven's, shocked that she doesn't shake him off immediately.

"Ai giv ai op," he repeats, softer.

She blinks slowly, pushing out more tears, before meeting his eyes and tightening her grip on his hands.

"Ai giv ai op."

"...gon nemiyon..."

"...gon nemiyon..."

"...kom lanik-de."

"...kom lanik-de."

Raven's eyes have drifted shut, and her breathing has slowed. He can't tell if she's still crying, but she looks a mess. Without his permission, their fingers have intertwined, and he's pretty sure he's holding on as tight to her as she is to him.

Suddenly, she deflates and falls against him. He's unprepared for her weight, but given their reduced diet, she's lighter than she's ever been. She's smaller than he remembers, maybe even smaller than Emori, although he's much more used to Raven filling a space to overwhelming.

"You know, that's not gonna work every time," she says against his shirt.

He huffs a laugh. "Maybe not, but we can't have you killing whoever's pissed you off today."

She stiffens, but doesn't leave his arms.

After a moment, she speaks into his chest.

"She killed Gina."

"I heard," he says.

"She _lied_ to Bellamy," Raven continues, refusing to lift her head. "She lied and led him away and without him their stupid suicide bomber killed everyone in Mount Weather. She almost killed _Octavia_ , but now she's here, and Bellamy saved her. He saved her. How? How can he be okay with her being here after everything she's done?"

Murphy doesn't know the answer to that. He knows Blake's not like him, isn't playing the long game of saving Echo only to kill her later, when it suits him.

Bellamy's not Murphy, after all.

But Murphy's the one holding Raven, Murphy's the one Raven's asking.

Instead of answering her questions, he asks one of his own, one that's been sitting in his chest for longer than he'd ever admit.

"How can you be okay with me, after everything I've done?"

As soon as it's out, he regrets it. Why should he care what Raven thinks, what anyone thinks of him? He does what he has to survive; and float them all for judging.

But he said it, and it's harder to pull up that well of anger when Raven's still in the loose circle of his arms, looking up at him with bright eyes and a furrow in her brow.

"It's different," she says.

"Because she's a grounder?"

" _No_ ," Raven spits out, like she ever forgave them for Finn, like the only reason she's on good terms with Emori isn't because they tried to kill her too.

"It just is," she says after a moment.

He wants to push her. He wants to keep asking until she gives up an answer he understands. He wants to take her apart, wants to know where in that miraculous brain of hers she keeps him, and if it's close to where she keeps someone like Bellamy, like Clarke.

Like Finn.

But he's not the kid who left the Ark so long ago. He won't push her, not now. Besides, even with her left leg messed up and her balance off-kilter, Raven Reyes can and will throw a really mean punch. He'll let them hug it out, as crazy as it sounds, because that's what Raven needs right now.

It's not like they don't have the time.


End file.
